"The greatest forces in the world are not the earthquakes and the thunderbolts. The greatest forces in the world are babies."
Ive always always loved children. I love their sweet smiles and how they always seem to be so happy. Even when they get their feelings hurt, feel sad or upset, if somebody treats them less than what they deserve- they are so quick to bounce back, forgive and focus on the good in life. I've spent many years around children. I've worked in childcare, been a nanny, have had several callings in the church with children, and of course being an aunt and older cousin. I've enjoyed it all. I thought for sure I'd love being a mom. However, being a mother has proven to be a much more challenging role for me.
"Elder M. Russell Ballard has taught us the importance of the Savior’s admonition to “behold your little ones” when he said: “Notice that He didn’t say ‘glance at them’ or ‘casually observe them’ or ‘occasionally take a look in their general direction.’ He said to them. To me that means that we should embrace them with our eyes and with our hearts; we should see and appreciate them for who they really are: spirit children of our Heavenly Father, with divine attributes"
Lately I've been so full of so many emotions. It's like every emotion is on overdrive. Everything is heightened. I've never been a person who is easily brought to tears. Welp, that has changed. As I was sitting in primary yesterday we were singing "Jesus has Risen" and as I looked towards a photo of our Savior I was brought to tears as I listened to those sweet sweet children singing such a simple yet profound song. We gave a lesson on the hymns in our CTR 8 class, we only had two kids and I was struggling to feel the Spirit. I felt like the kids weren't really listening and didn't really want to participate. Then we took turns reading Doctrine and Covenants section 25. As I read the last several verses aloud, again tears filled my eyes. MY GOODNESS!
The goodness and the piercing intensity the Spirit can bring into our lives is extraordinary and something I hope to always strive to hold onto.
Oh these children. I wasn't meant to teach them. They were sent to me so I could learn from them.
I don't think I've ever once struggled with missing somebody as much as I have lately. I'm grateful I'm only four hours or a phone call away from her, but we all know, nothing beats being in the physical presence of the ones you love most.
I'm sure many can relate to what Tad R. Callister wrote when he was trying to create a feeling to relate to in his book The Infinite Atonement "our communication with a loved one to the telephone; the lines can be clear, the conversation frequent, but the happiness that comes from being in another's physical presence is missing."
Though this has proven to be a very difficult thing for me it's also allowed me to empathasize with my boys. They cry, they get in little quarrels, they aren't always obedient and sometimes they push or hit. While its easy to lose my cool and become impatient I've begun to understand a little more of how they must be feeling. To them every. single. emotion is heightened and intensified. I do need to do my part and help teach them what is right and wrong, and how to maybe express what they're feeling a little differently, but I don't ever want them to think what they're feeling is wrong. Though I may sometimes think, "it's really not that big of a deal...why all the drama" to them what they are feeling is very real. We don't all feel or think the same way, but that's what makes us each unique, and when we can ultimately embrace who we are and how we feel we get little glimpses of who we can become.
These little humans have been there lately when I literally just want to cry. Our life is so so good. We are so very blessed. We are happy. But my heart has hurt lately and I couldn't be more grateful to be surrounded by these little boys. All children are literally still so close to Heaven. Our Savior loves each and every one of us, but I know He has a special special place in His heart for little children. He tells us to behold them. He teaches us to become like them. We should all strive to be more like our Savior, and oftentimes it's through others He shows us little ways to do so. These children...they are our brothers and sisters. THEY are children of that same Heavenly Father I know and love. Though I don't feel even the slightest qualified to be the mother of these sweet and special spirits; I know with the help of the Holy Ghost, the example of my Savior and the ever so constant listening ear of our Father in Heaven I can do my best and be guided and directed in how to love and teach and be taught by my sweet children. I hope one day they'll know how much they have truly helped me at this time in my life, and I am grateful to know we are sealed together forever.