Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Faith and Courage

"Making a decision to have a baby is momentous.  It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body"

I feel almost selfish for writing a post like this, because there are women who face infertility.  Women who legitimately can not have children.  I don't know their hurt.  I don't know their pain.  I can only imagine.  Many of my dear friends face this issue..some face miscarriages, some face long long years of trying to conceive before their miracle comes, and some just can't get pregnant.  

No matter our story, no matter what we go through each of us face hurt; each persons pain is real and every heart that breaks in one way or another needs to be mended and comforted.  We as women can help comfort, but only Heavenly Father can heal and mend.  Go to Him.  
I never would've thought two children could be all I would have.  Especially once Aaron and I became eternal companions and discussed how many we wanted.  I'm not saying two is all we will have, but I'm facing a reality that two could be it.  Having C come three months early and spending three months in NICU was scary.  Then we had a toddler when I was told I needed to have emergency surgery and spend the rest of my pregnancy on hospital bedrest, when I was only 25 weeks along with K.  Having two kids and being on hospital bedrest with a third just seems too risky.  It's scary.  Who knows if we'd get as lucky as we did with K; being able to keep him in until 38 weeks was a miracle to me.  

There are times when I want another baby.  But then there are times where I look at my boys and feel that I am so blessed to just have them.  We've been given two handsome boys, healthy and happy boys, who bless our life so tremendously.  With C being three months early we were sure he'd have health or development issues; we prepared ourselves.  We had faith that we could handle it.  C is fine.  He is a perfectly happy, healthy and very bright three year old.  He is our miracle.  And K, he is a little firecracker.  Heavenly Father blessed us with experiencing what a life with a baby who came at his due date was like.  With K it has been like being a first time mom.  I've experienced birth normally, bringing him home and watching him hit milestones at an average rate.  We are blessed.

That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt;
Sometimes I don't feel it's fair.
Sometimes I envy women who are walking around, living normal lives at nine months pregnant.
Sometimes I laugh when my friends who are close or past their due date complain about wanting their baby out!  Only because I have the issue of keeping my babies IN!

It makes me sad to look at K and think he could be our last.  My last little baby.  I baby him a lot.  I can't get enough of him.  I'm obsessed with that little red head.  

I know where I can find comfort and peace.  But I also know I have to be ready and willing to know His plan for me, whether it's what I think I want or not.  In His timing all will be right.

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