Wednesday, September 18, 2013


I'm at a loss for words.
I don't even know what to say or how to say it.
I don't know how to comfort my family.
I need to write down my feelings.
But I don't know where to begin.

I've never lost anybody close to me before.
I've never been to a funeral.

it hurts.

I try not to think about it.  I don't know how to deal with something like this.

Every time I find my thoughts drifting towards what happened I quickly shift my thoughts elsewhere.
Tears start coming and I avoid it.
I stay strong in front of those around me.
I guess there is no right or wrong way to deal with something like this.
We all do it in different ways.
And that's okay.

Yesterday my little nephew, Sam, went back home to his Heavenly Father.
He was one month old.
He was born with a congenial heart defect called Tetralogy of Fallot and a small hole in his heart.
This is where the pulmonary artery is quite small making it impossible to do its job.
My brother and his wife were able to take him home and have him bless their lives for the short month he was here.
Yesterday he stopped breathing and the doctors were unable to resuscitate him.

I never met Sam.  
My family lives up north, and I had not been able to meet him yet.
But although I was never close to Sam, it hurts.
I hurt for my family.  Especially my brother and his sweet wife Chelsea.
They are the most amazing people I have ever met.
Not even exaggerating.  They are the best parents for sweet little Sam.  
It hurts whenever I think that he's not here anymore.
But I'm given peace knowing that he is in a better place
He isn't hooked to oxygen.
He is perfect.
He came here, got his body, blessed our lives..
and went home.

I love you so much.  


  1. I'm so sorry to hear he did't make it. It breaks my heart for them. The pain of losing a child is worse than can be described. It's hard to breathe sometimes from the pain. Lots of love and prayers from us to your family.

    1. Thank you so much, Casey. Love you guys.

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  3. Honey.....Just cry, let the tears come and then let them go...You have to grieve and you have to allow yourself to be sad or angry or whatever emotion you feel. God gave you all of your emotions, so use them to express to yourself and others how you feel. It's different being the mom than being the sister. You don't have to be the 'strong one', that's my role. So go ahead and cry honey.....Sam really was the sweetest little thing. So tender and such a perfect little cuddle buddy. He was just so very fragile and he just needed to be here to get his body (as imperfect as it was)...Everything will be fine now honey. We will grieve but we will rejoice also. Please don't hold emotion in. I have done it all my life but im learning to let it go......I love you so much honey. Please call me and we can talk about this......Im not working today...

  4. Haili,

    First thank you for your love, support, prayers,etc. That is how we are making it through this process. A couple things I have learned since Sam left us (physically), don't avoid, hide or try to be strong for anyone. It's so healing to let the pain come, let the tears run, and then do what I keep doing--kneel down and pray. I pray that I my Savior can take the pain, lift me up and let me keep going. It's amazing how physical the pain can feel but at the same time, how the Savior's atonement can relieve it. After I pray (and have received blessings) I feel lighter. I feel fine, happy even. Then I get to focus on the positives of this trial. **Sam doesn't have any more pain. As a mother I know you know how it feels to see your children in pain. **He's going to help our family more now in this way, then he would have had he lived. **He is helping people on both sides find Christ and change their lives (including me).
    I've never had to use the atonement the way I have to now. But, I feel this sense of happiness knowing I don't have to feel the pain--He did so that I can give it to Him and live.
    Also, we can feel of Sam's presence. You should know that Andrew and I both have felt him. He's happy, and will be with us forever. Even though all this comfort comes it still is hard, so hard, so very hard. My new dream is that the second coming come soon so I get to see Sam again ASAP!

    I love you. I am grateful for the example you have shown me.
    Love always,