I feel like I've had the same conversation over and over again with different people these past couple of weeks. The conversation of, "Do you guys want more kids?" This question always tugs at my heart. Aaron and I both always have wanted a big family. Aaron comes from a family of eight, and I was raised basically as an only child. Complete opposites. So Aaron originally said he would like 6+ kids when we were dating. I laughed. I did want at least four, but six was a little much. Regardless, we always say ourselves as having at least four children. So there's the answer to that. No. We never wanted only two kids. We've always wanted more.
But then I went and had to have serious high risk pregnancies. Corbin came early at 27 weeks, and Kaden came at 38 weeks, but that was after surgery and 10 weeks of bed rest, 5 of which were hospitalized. I not only worried about the health and developement of my babies like all mothers do, but during our experience in the NICU with Corbin we went through a lot of ups and downs and several times of "is he going to make it, and will he have health, speech or emotional delays as he grows up, due to being so early?" With Kaden I had to worry about my own health. Would I be able to avoid serious blood clots with having to stay down for 10 weeks? Would my surgery have any lasting effects on my body? Will all of this really work?
(Corbin in the NICU)
I don't share these questions and thoughts for pity reasons. I don't explain this to people so they will feel sorry for me. All of this has been on my mind lately. As I see friends and family growing their little family my heart breaks just a little. I know there are people in a lot worse situations than me. I know that I am blessed to have been given two healthy beautiful babies, but that doesn't make everything better. I thought after all we went through with these kids I'd feel done. I wouldn't want to go through any of that ever again. Sometimes I do feel that way. I dig deep and remember just how hard it was; how scary it all was. But then emotions of longing for another child sets in. Not anytime soon, by any means, but I just don't feel like our family is complete. I keep thinking that Kaden and Corbin have a little sister waiting. But even if it wasn't a girl, even if we had another boy...if I was told by a source that knew, that if we were to get pregnant again it'd be a boy, I'd still want to have that baby. That's another thought that made me realize that it wasn't just me wanting a baby girl...it's really because I feel like we aren't done.
So for those of you who have asked, yes. I want more. Will that happen? Who knows. Right now we're leaving it at two. Even though it makes me sad every time I think that Kaden is our last little baby, right now we're just not in a place to even think about having another one any time soon. We're leaving it up to Heavenly Father. We trust that He knows what our family needs. I wish that my pregnancies were normal and that being pregnant entailed the normal stuff and not the scary stuff....but I know there is a reason for everything. Even when I don't know the reason...I have to trust that HE has a plan and He wants me to be happy. I am grateful for my two boys. I am blessed. They are our little miracles. I love them with all my heart. Being a mom has changed me. Being a mom has helped me become a better person. I can't imagine any mom I know who can't agree with me when I say, "being a mom is the best."