Friday, August 30, 2013

on my heart.



I feel like I've had the same conversation over and over again with different people these past couple of weeks.  The conversation of, "Do you guys want more kids?"  This question always tugs at my heart.  Aaron and I both always have wanted a big family.  Aaron comes from a family of eight, and I was raised basically as an only child.  Complete opposites.  So Aaron originally said he would like 6+ kids when we were dating.  I laughed.  I did want at least four, but six was a little much.  Regardless, we always say ourselves as having at least four children.  So there's the answer to that.  No.  We never wanted only two kids.  We've always wanted more.

But then I went and had to have serious high risk pregnancies.  Corbin came early at 27 weeks, and Kaden came at 38 weeks, but that was after surgery and 10 weeks of bed rest, 5 of which were hospitalized.  I not only worried about the health and developement of my babies like all mothers do, but during our experience in the NICU with Corbin we went through a lot of ups and downs and several times of "is he going to make it, and will he have health, speech or emotional delays as he grows up, due to being so early?"  With Kaden I had to worry about my own health.  Would I be able to avoid serious blood clots with having to stay down for 10 weeks?  Would my surgery have any lasting effects on my body?  Will all of this really work?

(Corbin in the NICU)
I don't share these questions and thoughts for pity reasons.  I don't explain this to people so they will feel sorry for me.  All of this has been on my mind lately.  As I see friends and family growing their little family my heart breaks just a little.  I know there are people in a lot worse situations than me.  I know that I am blessed to have been given two healthy beautiful babies, but that doesn't make everything better.  I thought after all we went through with these kids I'd feel done.  I wouldn't want to go through any of that ever again.  Sometimes I do feel that way.  I dig deep and remember just how hard it was; how scary it all was.  But then emotions of longing for another child sets in.  Not anytime soon, by any means, but I just don't feel like our family is complete.  I keep thinking that Kaden and Corbin have a little sister waiting.  But even if it wasn't a girl, even if we had another boy...if I was told by a source that knew, that if we were to get pregnant again it'd be a boy, I'd still want to have that baby.  That's another thought that made me realize that it wasn't just me wanting a baby's really because I feel like we aren't done.

So for those of you who have asked, yes.  I want more.  Will that happen?  Who knows.  Right now we're leaving it at two.  Even though it makes me sad every time I think that Kaden is our last little baby, right now we're just not in a place to even think about having another one any time soon.  We're leaving it up to Heavenly Father.  We trust that He knows what our family needs.  I wish that my pregnancies were normal and that being pregnant entailed the normal stuff and not the scary stuff....but I know there is a reason for everything.  Even when I don't know the reason...I have to trust that HE has a plan and He wants me to be happy.  I am grateful for my two boys.  I am blessed.  They are our little miracles.  I love them with all my heart.  Being a mom has changed me.  Being a mom has helped me become a better person.  I can't imagine any mom I know who can't agree with me when I say, "being a mom is the best."



  1. That picture at the top, of Corbin & Kaden, wow, they look so much alike, do you think so? You are a strong woman, & your sons, & husband are so lucky. I know you will be blessed for sacrificing so your little baby boys spirits could have bodies. So special. I'm somewhat in the same boat as you are... Both of my pregnancies were high risk & so scary. With Autumn I lost 20 lbs from morning sickness, went into labor at 22 weeks, & they had to stop it. I had preclampsia, gestational diabetes, kidney stones, I had a surgery, Autumn couldn't grow after 30 weeks because of my blood pressure... the cord was around her neck and she almost died. My high risk doctor though I was going to have seizures/or a stroke from my blood pressure. Then with my son, I lost 16 lbs from morning sickness, and they thought he had died & told me I was going to have a miscarriage, I bleed my entire pregnancy, they have no idea why he lived. I also had preclampsia again, and the day I had him they thought we were both going to die because my blood pressure was so high, I ended up having an emergency c-section. So now, it's hard for me to see all these other woman, who have kids my age who are pregnant again, and I don't know if/or when that is suppose to happen. :( Pregnancy is so much harder than I ever expected. I guess I've been confused about it lately? I should probably talk more to Heavenly Father about it, than I have been. I know Heavenly Father will help you, no matter what is in store for your little family. I am ALWAYS here to talk if you need to, because I kinda understand! <3 Hugs to you Haili.

  2. Oh my! Corbin is the tiniest thing! And now look at him! What a thing of beauty.

    And hey... There is more than one way to have a larger family. I'm all about a large (and loud) family.

  3. are such a good mommy and I am so proud of you. I know you want more children and in my opinion if you 'feel' like you are supposed to have more then you should have more. If god wants you to have more, then you will. I know you don't want to live up here but if you get pregnant you will need help like the last 2 times. I wont be able to come there anymore to help because of my responsibilities at home, so if you decide to get preg again, I hope you move up here first or at least plan to come and stay during bed rest......It will kill me to know you are down there and need me and I cant come......I see you having more, but I also see you being satisfied and happy with cogin and kk.........u could always adopt....there are so many children who need a loving home.....then you don't have to go through all the stress getting a child in your home......I will always support your decisions....I love you honey