Thursday, June 20, 2013

Where the heart is.

I think my priorities have been a bit off lately.  I have a pretty amazing husband to have been putting up with me these last couple weeks.  I've been moody and sad.  I've slacked on preparing meals and keeping the house clean.  All I've wanted to do is sleep and feel sorry for myself.

I didn't want to be one of those people who get rid of their Facebook and get back on a month later.  When I said I was done...I was.  I'm not really sure what exactly pulled me back in, because I really didn't want to get back on.  But I'm glad I did.  Why?  Because when I did I was bombarded with quotes from some LDS quotes page I guess I "liked" a while back.  It's like I was meant to read them. They spoke right to my heart.  It's amazing what a good quote can do.  

I'm not sure what brought on this major slap in the face I can't get myself to be happy time.  But it's like satan has slipped his way in and was winning the battle between sadness and being happy.  I've never really understood just how powerful he is.  I have never let him bring me down this far before.  I've always had faith in hard times.  I've been able to just ride the waves and land smoothly on the shoreline.  But this time I struggled, let doubt and fear take over and the wave overtook me as I landed head first in the sand and stayed there waiting for someone to rescue me.  Not really the greatest way to handle things.  I know Heavenly Father wants me to be happy and I continue to pray earnestly to feel His love and peace, but my doubt just wasn't letting me feel it...

I was telling Aaron what was bothering me.  That I felt like I had no friends.  Which isn't really what I meant.  I have so many amazing friends.  I have seriously been so blessed when it comes to good friends.  I was having this conversation with a cousin of mine recently as well.  I have many friends, but I don't really have a "best friend."  Aside from my husband of course.  I just think its important for a girl to have that best friend she knows she can call or text no matter what time of day and she'd be there. A friend who you can call just to tell her you got the cutest new outfit.  Just a GIRLfriend who has your back basically.  Who likes to do stuff with you and calls you so excited to tell you something.  That's where my husband brought up his brother, Ben.  They've got each other.  Seriously, like Aaron and I will be lying in bed and 11:00pm will roll around and he'll get a phone call from Ben just wanting to tell Aaron that its snowing outside his house and Aaron should be jealous.  Haha.  Or when they're around each other they'll laugh about the weirdest things that no one else gets but them.  

Friends come and go.  Some will always be in your life- just not as close.  That's how it'll always be.  That's why family is so important.  That's why I've leaned more towards building stronger relationships with family rather than friends.  Seeing Aaron and Ben makes me miss my sister that I never got to meet.  I wish she would've made it.  I have sister in laws which I love to pieces but were all so much different when it comes to age and what stages in life were at.  It makes it a bit harder.  Or they move up north right as we are beginning to get closer!  Especially since its such a big family and everybody already has their set ways.  Everybody already has those strong relationships built with their own sisters.

So where do I go from here?  Just accept the fact that I'll never have that close relationship with someone like my husband has with his brother?  I suck when it comes to building friendships, especially within the family.  I have three brothers so I have three sister in laws that are on my side of the family.  But they all live up north.  They have their own relationships with each other.  When I went up to visit and we were all sitting around talking something got brought up that was more of a "bedroom talk" subject and one of my sisters said jokingly, but still, "Oh I feel weird talking about this around Haili...she just seems so innocent."  Great.  I'm that sweet little innocent girl to people still.  I love hanging out with these girls but I know that I don't fit in all that well.

The other day Aaron and I went out and he asked if I had my phone.  I said "no I'm not taking it with me."  He asked me what if someone called and needed me?  I replied that no one will need me.  No one ever calls me needing me.  Nevertheless I took my phone with me.  That's a sad way to think.  It really is.  (Kaden's laying next to me as I type this sleeping in his pillow and he totally just laughed in his sleep.  Oh my goodness.  Love this little boy so much!)  Anyways, I guess what Satan got me with was the fact that I'll never have a cousin or sister who I can call my best buddy. Someone I can call up when my hubby is at work and say "hey come on over so we can paint our toes and watch a chick flick."  My husband would watch a chick flick with me, but ya know, it's just not the same really. haha.  Just like I would watch basketball with him, but I'm sure he'd much rather watch a game with Ben, someone who actually cares about what's going on!  Or someone who calls me and wants to do something with Aaron and I.  Like game night or go on a double date or what not.  I'm not huge on the whole "play date" kind of things. Girls nights are fun while hubby is out but on weekends I'd rather go out with Aaron and my kids or just me and Aaron, or as a couple with another couple and get a babysitter for a few hours aka grandma or aunt.  Guess this is just one of those waves I got to ride out with a smile on my face and eventually it'll just subside and be okay again!


  1. I wish I lived closer Haili! And I wish we were in the same stage in life (ya know with a bunch of little kiddos playing while we watched that chick flick). But God doesn't always give us what he wants, he gives us what we need to become a stronger, more faithful person. I hope this time passes quickly, and that God will give you that person you are seeking after. You'll be in my prayers dear friend.

  2. It's funny, the older I get the closer I get to my family. they really are the most important. I lean on Rick so much also, it's hard to make time for friends when we have such amazing husbands to hang out with ha. I know what you mean about making friends though, I still feel so new here in Vegas and I've been here almost a year! I hope things perk up for you! don't get too down on yourself. just remember you have a great husband and two cute babes. keep your head up!