Friday, November 16, 2012

Whisperings of the spirit

Well, I'm already back in the hospital.  We were discharged this morning, and now I'm back already.  While I was home I felt like I was having more "contractions" than usual.  I called the on call high risk doctor, told him what I was experiencing, but he didn't seem too worried.  He said that I could just stay home or come in.  Well I decided to just go in to the hospital.

I have never really felt like I am a pro at knowing when the spirit is trying to tell me something.  I guess I just always have the idea in my head that answers or feelings come really really strong and/or loudly.  But that's just never happened to me.  For instance, when I married Aaron.  I prayed about it and prayed but never got that answer most people talk about.  But I didn't feel like it was a bad decision.  I knew I loved him so much and I knew I wanted to be with him, and my choice of marrying him and telling my Heavenly Father that that's how I felt never felt wrong.  I just never got that "yes he's the one loud and clear answer" like I thought I would.  Anyways, last night I prayed and told my Heavenly Father that I wanted to go home.  That that's what my decision was.  If something is wrong, or if something will go wrong if I do go home let me feel nervous or anxious or just not right.  If I made the right choice let me have that sweet peaceful feeling.  Well, when I left the hospital this morning I didn't really have either of those feelings.  So I went ahead and went home.  But all day I felt stressed and worried, "am I contracting too much?  What if something happens? Etc etc." which probably is what caused me to contract more.  So I was like okay well I am not feeling at ease or having a peaceful feeling so I better just go back.  After I told Aaron he told me he was questioning whether I should come home this morning too.  So that just sealed the deal.  The spirit was talking to both of us.  I'm glad we stuck with the feelings we were having and came back.  It is soooo extremely hard to be away from Corbin and Aaron, and I didn't want to come back, but I felt I should.  When we got here they hooked me up and I was contracting quite a bit but nothing too serious.  They gave me a shot to calm them down and a couple pills.  The doctor also took a test to see if it tested positive for a hormone that's only released when you're about to go into labor.  He told us that if the test came back negative it means I wouldn't go into labor in the next two weeks.  If it came back positive I could or could not go into labor in the next two weeks.  Well guess what?  It came back positive!  Well, glad I came to the hospital!  So, our little Kaden could or could not be here in the next couple weeks.  :(  we're still hopeful that we can make it at least to 32 weeks.  Even after the positive on the test the doctor said it was my choice whether I wanted to go home or stay.  I figured I better stick to the feeling I had that urged me to come back in the first place; even though the doctors faith that I'd be ok going home was reassuring.

It's so hard being away from my family.  It's so hard not to just bawl everytime I think about the fact that I'm not with them.  And the fact that Corbin isn't gonna be an only child for much longer and I'm missing out on our time together without another baby.  Today was soo needed.  I'm grateful for the choice I did make to go home, even if I ended up coming back.  I got to snuggle with Corbin and just be with him at home for a while.  I'm grateful I got some time at home with Aaron too.  And some time in our apartment that we've called home for the last three years.   And I'm extremely grateful for the love my Heavenly Father has for me and the knowledge we have to know He is ALWAYS there.  Even when we don't feel He is.  I love my family soo much and really, this whole experience has intensified my love for them even more.

1 comment:

  1. You're amazing! Hang in there, it will be over so quickly! You are an awesome mama and Corbin knows it. I had the hardest time thinking about going from my one amazing child to two. But it makes the first even more special. It's amazing having two kids, you will soon see. And Corbin knows you love him, he knows he's your number one. :)