(taken last week.)
I'm starting to feel very very nervous.
People will tell me not to be and that everything will work out how it's supposed to.
But they don't know.
Just like a woman whose gone through a miscarriage and people continuously say the same thing over and over. Even though the woman knows they are just trying to help and show their concern and support, deep down she is still crushed. There are no words for her to say. No emotion that can be described. She's numb to everything and everyone. No one knows what she's feeling, unless they themselves have been through it as well.
This is how I feel.
No one knows...except those who have been through it.
Reasons why I'm getting more and more nervous and feeling guilty a bit.
*Doctor prescribed me Projesterone Shots. Basically a hormone that has proven to help women who have previously delivered early. It's a fairly new shot, and compared to women who took it and who didn't, those who took it were able to carry further with their pregnancies.
I don't want to take them.
Why? Sounds like it would help.
One, I don't like the idea of putting hormones into my body.
Two, since it's fairly new, I don't know if in the long run, taking these shots have any side effects or anything.
Three, I really would like to see if I can go full-term without the help of anything. Since my first pregnancy all they could tell me is that I went into premature labor because of an infection; what if I could go full term if I don't get an infection? I don't want to be put on some hormone this time around, go full-term, the doctors assume it's because I took projesterone, and then from there on out I have to do the shots with the rest of my pregnancies. (it's a once a week shot, too) If I can go full-term without the shots I'll know that the first time was just a fluke, and I'm fully capable of having a normal pregnancy.
On the flipside to that- I don't want to deliver early and think, "man. I should've just taken those shots and seen how far they take me in my pregnancy." I don't want to feel like it was my fault. I could have taken something to prevent preterm labor, and I opted out of it.
I see two doctors. A high risk and my family doctor who delivered Corbin. Both highly suggest I do the shots, and both said they pretty much have to say that though because they're doctors. The choice is ultimately, obviously mine.
i hate making grown up decisions.
Four, I've been having braxton hicks contractions. Or, at least I think I have been. Where my stomach gets really tight for about 5 seconds, a kick of nausea and then goes away. I asked my doctor if it was normal to be feeling them already, and he said what everybody else has said; that they were very normal. However, with me, I'm put into a whole different category, because, I'm high risk now. awesome. He said if I had more than four or five in an hour to call right away. I told him I've only really had maybe four TOPS in an entire day. Other than that they are just random. Nevertheless, every time I get one I think, "oh no. Maybe I should just take those dang shots."
Truth be told, the shots could really, not even help. We don't even know if they'd help for sure. Sure, statistically they have shown to make a huge difference, but whose to say that they would for me?
Yes. I've prayed about it, and though I don't feel like I got that direct answer, I feel like my decision was ok. I never had any bad feelings or wrong feelings. I felt I guess you could say, at peace, with my decision. Then I'd go to a doctor appointment, and then the doubt and second guessing floods in. Well in three weeks they're doing a test to see if I will be delivering within the next two weeks. It's a swab test that tests for something in the body that is only released when getting ready to go into labor. So if it's positive then who knows what they'll do, obviously anything and everything to prevent it from happening. If it's negative then we're in the clear for another two weeks.
I'm not overstressing about it.
I don't think about this all day.
But it's always right there.
I don't want to go through the NICU process again.
I don't want to do it!
I want to experience a normal pregnancy
and I want to hold my baby and bring him HOME gosh dang it!
With Corbin I didn't know what to expect.
With this one, I do.
I know what it's like to stay awake all night at home wondering if your baby is still fighting.
Wondering if the nurses were in his room having to get him to breath.
Thinking of my tiny little baby all alone in the hospital.
No one holding him.
No one telling him how much they love him.
Just laying there.
I am so so grateful that Corbin fought. That he made it. That all those nights and days spent at the hospital getting all the snuggles in as we could was all worth it. He's here. He's healthy. He's my world.