Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Sometimes I just have to let it out.

(taken last week.)

I'm nervous.
I'm starting to feel very very nervous.
People will tell me not to be and that everything will work out how it's supposed to.
But they don't know.
Just like a woman whose gone through a miscarriage and people continuously say the same thing over and over.  Even though the woman knows they are just trying to help and show their concern and support, deep down she is still crushed.  There are no words for her to say.  No emotion that can be described.  She's numb to everything and everyone.  No one knows what she's feeling, unless they themselves have been through it as well.
This is how I feel.
No one knows...except those who have been through it.  

Reasons why I'm getting more and more nervous and feeling guilty a bit.

*Doctor prescribed me Projesterone Shots.  Basically a hormone that has proven to help women who have previously delivered early.  It's a fairly new shot, and compared to women who took it and who didn't, those who took it were able to carry further with their pregnancies.  
I don't want to take them.
Why?  Sounds like it would help.

One, I don't like the idea of putting hormones into my body.  

Two, since it's fairly new, I don't know if in the long run, taking these shots have any side effects or anything.

Three, I really would like to see if I can go full-term without the help of anything.  Since my first pregnancy all they could tell me is that I went into premature labor because of an infection; what if I could go full term if I don't get an infection?  I don't want to be put on some hormone this time around, go full-term, the doctors assume it's because I took projesterone, and then from there on out I have to do the shots with the rest of my pregnancies. (it's a once a week shot, too)  If I can go full-term without the shots I'll know that the first time was just a fluke, and I'm fully capable of having a normal pregnancy.  
On the flipside to that-  I don't want to deliver early and think, "man.  I should've just taken those shots and seen how far they take me in my pregnancy."  I don't want to feel like it was my fault.  I could have taken something to prevent preterm labor, and I opted out of it.
I see two doctors.  A high risk and my family doctor who delivered Corbin.  Both highly suggest I do the shots, and both said they pretty much have to say that though because they're doctors.  The choice is ultimately, obviously mine.
i hate making grown up decisions.

Four, I've been having braxton hicks contractions.  Or, at least I think I have been.  Where my stomach gets really tight for about 5 seconds, a kick of nausea and then goes away.  I asked my doctor if it was normal to be feeling them already, and he said what everybody else has said; that they were very normal.  However, with me, I'm put into a whole different category, because, I'm high risk now.  awesome.  He said if I had more than four or five in an hour to call right away.  I told him I've only really had maybe four TOPS in an entire day.  Other than that they are just random.  Nevertheless, every time I get one I think, "oh no.  Maybe I should just take those dang shots."

Truth be told, the shots could really, not even help.  We don't even know if they'd help for sure.  Sure, statistically they have shown to make a huge difference, but whose to say that they would for me?  

Yes.  I've prayed about it, and though I don't feel like I got that direct answer, I feel like my decision was ok.  I never had any bad feelings or wrong feelings.  I felt I guess you could say, at peace, with my decision.  Then I'd go to a doctor appointment, and then the doubt and second guessing floods in.  Well in three weeks they're doing a test to see if I will be delivering within the next two weeks.  It's a swab test that tests for something in the body that is only released when getting ready to go into labor.  So if it's positive then who knows what they'll do, obviously anything and everything to prevent it from happening.  If it's negative then we're in the clear for another two weeks.  

I'm not overstressing about it.
I don't think about this all day.
But it's always right there.
I don't want to go through the NICU process again.
I don't want to do it!
I want to experience a normal pregnancy
and I want to hold my baby and bring him HOME gosh dang it!
With Corbin I didn't know what to expect.
With this one, I do.
I know what it's like to stay awake all night at home wondering if your baby is still fighting.
Wondering if the nurses were in his room having to get him to breath.
Thinking of my tiny little baby all alone in the hospital.
No one holding him.
No one telling him how much they love him.
Just laying there.

I am so so grateful that Corbin fought. That he made it.  That all those nights and days spent at the hospital getting all the snuggles in as we could was all worth it.  He's here.  He's healthy.  He's my world.  


  1. I get the part of people trying to say things to make you feel better, or sometimes giving you advice that just plain hurts you! It is hard! In both of my pregnancies my baby almost died, & me too. I went into labor with Autumn around 22 weeks, they had to stop it. She could no longer grow by 30 weeks, and my/her womb was no longer safe. The day I had an emergency c-section with Chandler we almost both died. I bleed my entire pregnancy with him... they actually told me he died or would die soon. I went into the ER in the middle of the night, because I was told I was having a miscarriage. People are always telling me when I should have my next baby, or not to have anymore at all. It kills me every time. It hurts me to know that my body hurts me, and especially my baby. My blood pressure takes all the amniotic fluid and destroys my placenta. I could go on... my pregnancies are horrible. I'm just letting you know, that I know what it's like to truly be scared... and to know what it's like to have your husband be scared & to cry when you're all alone & truly feel alone. Not knowing what to tell others. The night I went to the ER because I was bleeding and cramping and was told I had lost Chandler I felt so angry and lost. When I went into labor with Autumn I was bleeding out a TON and Korey had to carry me because I was in so much pain! I know you are strong, & it's such a blessing that you get to have another little bundle! You're a great Mom! I know that Heavenly Father has a special plan for you! Hang in there girly! I'm always here if you want someone to listen! Take care of yourself!

  2. Good Luck sweetie! I wish I could tell you the perfect answer to your problem. I will keep you and your little one in my prayers, and just remember, try not to stress out to much. The lord has a plan for you and your little family. Peace and happy thoughts are being sent your way. Let's do lunch when I'm in town? Luvs!

  3. P.S. This is actually Crystal! :D

  4. You make some good points about the shot, from my experience, mother's intuition is the best thing to follow. :) If that "feeling" changes (the Spirit whispers something different) then tell your doctor. I hope with all my heart you can go full term with your baby, that you will be able to take him home with you...keep praying and follow the Spirit, you are amazing. I think grown-up decisions are hard sometimes too, I've got some of my own to make, even though they are different, it's nice to know I'm not alone in big decisions. :)

  5. One thing is for certain. The Savior knows exactly how you feel, because he felt it for you once long ago. You're doing all the things, praying, having hope, going forward into the dark with faith. No matter what happens, it is what The Lord has in store for you to help you grow, learn, and be a better Mommy. You can do this!! I got your back girl! sorry....enough preaching from me. :)