Friday, April 20, 2012

leaving the hospital without baby

No you can not take your baby home with you from the hospital.
Yes.  You and your husband will be going home without the precious child you just gave birth to.
He will most likely be in the hospital for three or more months.
You may visit your baby any time you'd like, except between "these hours."
We are so sorry you have to go through this.

"Sweet boy, please know mom and dad love you so very much.  We have to leave you here with these nurses so you can get strong and healthy before you come home with us.  Oh, how we love you.  Our hearts are breaking so so much at the thought of leaving you.  We were able to extend our hospital stay a day longer just to be near you as long as we could.  We must leave now.  Please, please know how much your Heavenly Father loves you.  He is going to protect you and help you know what you need to do to be strong for your mom and dad; how to be a fighter and make it through this fragile start to your life.  He will wrap you in His arms during the times you feel it's just too much to continue on.  He will remind you that you have a mother and father here on earth who need you to be with them.  He'll tell you of how much you are loved and the lessons you will teach us.  He will give you the faith you need to know all of this and He will guide your way as you build up your little body so it is strong.  We love you Corbin always know that."

Remember THIS post?  Well here is part two.

Corbin's start to life will forever be a huge permanant memory in the front of my mind.  My anxiety to the thought of have another premature baby will always be a worry.

I feel like I was robbed of those first moments mothers get with their newborn child.  That crucial bonding period baby and mom have was taken away from me.  I've never been angry at this.  I never once thought why me?  But I constantly wished that it wasn't happening.  I wished that I could have gone even a month longer in my pregnancy.  The doctors told me if he had made it even a month longer, Corbin would not have had to been in the NICU as long as he was.  Heavenly Fathers timing is perfect.  Do I understand the timing of our sons birth?  No.  I still do not.  I'm not sure why we went through what we did with Corbin.  Am I grateful for it?  In  a way, yes.  Was it easy?  no. not even close.  

I was not grateful at the time Corbin had to be left in the NICU when we went home.  I was not at all appreciative at the fact we didn't get to be close to each other after his birth.  I really hated that I could only provide breast milk for the first month of his life.  After that I went back to work full time and didn't pump as regularly as I should have and my supply dried up. I always wanted to breast feed, and when corbin finally could come home I was unable to do so.

I would wake up in several times in the middle of the night crying wishing my crying was the crying of my baby.  I wanted to wake up and feed my baby, hold my baby, have those special quiet moments with him.  I remember reading blogs and articles about how sleep deprived so many mothers were because their child woke up so many times during the night right after birth.  I wanted that.  I remember telling myself I would never complain about not getting enough sleep.  I wanted my baby.  Maybe it was that natural "mom instinct" that I woke up every night, except to no baby.

There was one Sunday that we went to my husbands mom's home to have Sunday dinner.  After dinner everybody wanted to go for a walk.  (two sisters who had babies and wanted to take them in their strollers) I started to tear up and told them to go on without me.  I wasn't angry at them for having beautiful children to hold and stroll, but it hurt.  It hurt so bad.  To see them and their husbands walking their babies and then look at me and my husband walking hand in hand, but our baby wasn't in a stroller, but in the NICU; all alone--I just wasn't strong enough yet.  I couldn't do it.  So I laid on the couch and cried, only to quickly wipe them away as they walked back in from their walk a half hour later.

All I wanted was to be at home with Corbin and my husband.  Just the three of us.  Husband and I sitting on the floor eyes glued to every move, every coo, every smile that our son would make.  I wanted to put Corbin down to sleep and husband and I sit on the couch and have time to talk about our son and to laugh.  I wanted our family together.  With no one else around.  No nurses, no friends, no family.  Just us.  I don't know what I would have done without my husband.  I knew how much he struggled, and how much it hurt for him to be away from his first son, but he was always comforting me, he was always by my side holding me and telling me it would all be okay.  How I counted on his words of comfort soo many times.  He was my rock.  He is my constant friend.  My best friend.  My perfect sweetheart for eternity.

Corbin came home, eventually.  Born December 17, 2010 and came home March 07, 2011
 (ten days before his actual due date)

I have always been a very positive person, but for several months after Corbin came home I admit, there was something missing inside.  I would call my mom many times, and I would bring it up almost on a daily basis with my husband, I love Corbin.  I do.  But why don't I feel like his mother?  Where is that strong unbreakable connection?  Why can't I feel it?  That over protective goo goo ga ga mommy feeling?  Is something wrong with me?  That bond that those moms get right after giving birth...was it too late for me to have that?  I was so scared.  What if I never felt connected to my own son?   What would I do?  My husband and mom assured me that it would come.  

......Sometimes I didn't believe them.......

Oh but it came.  I prayed.  I cried.  I worried.  I prayed.

It didn't come all at once.  He would cry, and I would be able to comfort him....he would wake up during the night, and I would be there to hold him.  He would fall asleep in my arms and sleep for several hours.  Family members would hold him, but I would always be the arms to take him home.  Corbin is our son.  My son and my husbands son.  He is Heavenly Fathers son who was meant to be a part of our family.  I WAS meant to be his mom.  No that bond wasn't there from the start, and I still feel a bit sad for myself that I wasn't able to feel that right away.  But what I do know is this.

Corbin is a part of me...I feel like he's been with me forever.  I love him more than words will ever be able to express.  He is such a ray of sunshine in our lives.  He's taught me to live in the moment, day by day.  To look at the simple things in life and cherish them, soak them all up.  He's taught me unwavering unconditional love.  He's taught me patience and kindness.  He's taught me how to laugh and let the small things go.  Even more than all this...he's taught me the strength, power and overwhelming feeling of love that is between a mother and child.

Dear Corbin,
Your dad and I love you more than you'll ever know.  We all struggled at the beginning of your little life.  We missed you so much.  But now your home.  Now you're healthy and strong.  The NICU is a story of the past.   A chapter of our story that will never have to be revisited.  You are our everything.  You mean more to us than anything.  You have such a big personality and you crack us up on a daily basis.  You love wrestling with dad, almost more than you like finding every tiny thing on the floor and eating it.  Yes.  You have peed on me and dad before.  Yes we laughed.  At least one person stops us everytime we go grocery shopping to say just how cute handsome you are.  Yesterday, you and I went grocery shopping, and we were stopped three times in one hour.  Boy you are such a stud.  You like to cry whenever dad or I leave.  When dad leaves for work you start to cry and crawl as fast as your little legs will take you to the door.  And you do the same when I leave.  It breaks my heart, but I am so happy that our bond is so strong.  I love being your mom and dad loves being your dad.  We will always be here for you.  We love you so much.

Love, mom and dad


  1. you made me cry. i loved this. thank you for sharing!!! :)

  2. Oh my gosh, what a beautiful post. I never tear up...and I'm tearing up. So glad your handsome little boy is healthy and home with you. And I bet you're all stronger as a result of what you went through at the start of his little life :)

  3. This brought tears to my eyes. Uh, that would just pain my heart to have to leave my child for such an extended period of time. But what a happy ending :)

  4. First time on your blog and totally tearing up.

  5. This brought tears to my eyes as well. Wow. I honestly have no words.