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Thursday, March 15, 2012

Welcome to the world little one.


This is a first for me.  I've never posted a photograph of Corbin on this blog before.  
I just dont like the idea of his photos on the internet.
Call me crazy, because every momma does it right?  It's only normal to want to brag about how cute your little one is.
Trust me, I'm there with all those mommas.  I want to show off how adorable our little man is, but I just can't bring myself to do it with all the creepy people out there on the internet.
Anyways, I wanted this post for my personal records.  I wanted this photo to be a part of it, because it was the first time I got to hold my little sweet boy.  4 looooong hours after giving birth, and another hour before the nurses even got him out for me to love on him.

*just saying, this will be a long post.  So feel free to either just pass on by or sit down and relax and read on.  Your choice.  Like I said, I just want this, really, for my own records.*

~December 17, 2010~ (Friday)
I cant quite remember what we did the night before, but it must have been a lot of fun, because we slept in until about 11:00am.  I'm pretty sure that was the last time I've slept in that late...wow.  I'm not complaining by any means, I love lazy mornings and waking up slowly.  That reminds me of one of my favorite Jack Johnson songs!  Okay...
I remember telling my husband that something felt different.  I wasn't sure what.  But Corbin hadn't moved all night.  and even after we got up and started getting ready for the day I hadn't felt any movement from him.  Which was very weird for him.  He was such an active little guy.  (May I remind you...this was only 27 weeks into my pregnancy-I wasn't thinking contractions or anything.)  We both decided maybe he was just a little sleepy. After breakfast/brunch I remember standing up and leaning over with what felt like maybe a really bad cramp?  I don't ever get cramps, not even during my periods, so I wasn't sure what it was.  My husband asked me what was wrong, and I basically just told him that my side was hurting.  So he assumed it was just cramps as well.  So we continued with our day.  When it happened again.  Maybe 30 min later.  I just kind of pushed it away trying not to think about the pain.  This continued to happen about every 30 min or so.  Around three we were about to walk out the door to go shopping when another "cramp" happened.  I remember getting teary eyed because they were really painful, and I had no idea what was going on.  I still hadn't felt Corbin move.  So my husband went shopping without me while I rested on the couch.  When he got back it was about five, and I was still lying on the couch in the fetal position.  At this point my husband was a bit concerned, because I rarely just lay around and do nothing.  But again, neither of us had experienced a pregnancy before, and we just thought maybe this was something common that happened with pregnancies..

My husband left for work about 5:45pm that evening. 
(at the time he worked 6pm-2:30am)
I decided to take a nice hot bath to try and ease the pain.
It helped a tiny bit...
Afterwords, I laid on our bed and fell asleep within five minutes.
Only to wake up five minutes later bursting into tears.
My phone was right by me so I grabbed it and fumbled with the stupid touch screen to call my husband.
me: something is wrong babe
husband: what's going on? what's wrong?
me: I don't know, it just hurts..I don't know what to do.  I tried calling our doctor on his cell, but he's not picking up.
husband: .................
me: hello?
husband: .........
me: awesome. his phone died!  really?  This is just my luck.
So I laid there balling about to just throw on a pair of jeans and hoodie and drive to the ER.
I didn't know what to do.
Then I heard the most beautiful sound.
A key into the hole, doorknob turning and my husband walking through our front door.
husband: of course my phone died.  it never dies.  but now...now it dies.  I tried restarting it, tried everything, I knew something had to be really wrong for you to be crying so I just booked it home fast as I can.  Let's go to the ER.
On our way Aaron called his boss letting her know what was going on, and he'll keep her informed.
(Let me tell you before I go any further, there are TWO hospitals in Saint George.  The old one and the new one.  The old one has the labor and delivery and the new one has the ER.)
We got to the new hospital and waited in the waiting room for at least 40 min, but it felt like hours.
I started feeling real light headed, dizzy and wanted to vomit.
So I excused myself from my husbands side to go use the restroom
our name was called.
Whelp...hope the urge to vomit will subside.
We walk in, la la la...they ask a bunch of pointless questions and send us into the room where the doctor would talk to us.  They hooked me up to some monitors to examine if I was having early contractions.  Turns out that was exactly what I was experiencing.  However, the doctor said that they were very irregular, small and nothing to worry about with only being 27 weeks pregnant.  He left the room for a minute, okay maybe five minutes, and came back.  Let's just say his facial expression told it all.  The contractions had gotten stronger and more regular.  (Thank you Corbin for at least waiting until we got to the hospital!)  He then informed us that we should go over to the other hospital to labor and delivery and be examined there and see what will happen then, because they don't do delieveries in the ER; they can, but let's just say you probably wouldn't want to do that.  Since we didn't know we were having contractions they allowed me to take the ambulance over, free of charge.  On the way to the other hospital, which is about a five minute drive, they monitored my contractions and the level of pain each one was.  When we got up to labor and delivery the nurse had me go to the bathroom before I got up on the bed.  

blood.
I was terrified.

I'm miscarrying...I'm going to have to deliver a still born!
What did I do wrong??  
This can't be happening.

I walked out and told the nurse and she directed me to lay on the bed.
They quickly hooked me up, watched the monitor, left for about 5-10min.
This is when my husband tried to calm me down and use humor to do so.
husband:  According to this monitor you are going to have another contraction riiiight...now.
and I did.
and I felt like smacking him.
but I couldn't help but smile, a little.
The nurse came back in, looked at the monitor, checked to see if I was dilated at all and looked at me.
You're dilated to a 9, and I can feel the baby's head.  We need to get you up to a delivery room.  You two are having this baby tonight.
That's when I broke down again.
The nurse hurried out to tell someone to call our doctor and get the neonatal team ready.
me: babe what if he's a still born...something's wrong.
husband:  everything is going to be okay, i promise.
By this time it's about 7pm
On our way up they kept asking if I needed to push, and I wanted to just shut them all out.
OF COURSE I WANT TO!
ugh.  So.much.pain.
I had to wait for my doctor to get there, and the neonatal team.  They wouldn't let me push until then.
My doctor got there around 7:50pm
I started pushing at about 8:00pm
Corbin was born at 8:06pm

SILENCE.
........

My doctor held something very tiny and redish purplish up, and I knew it was my baby...
but he didn't look anything close to a baby
it was so quick that I wasn't sure I wanted to know anything yet.

TAKEN AWAY.
.........

No bonding experience.  
No crying.  No little fingers to admire and hold and feed.
No noise and everything was blurry around me.
Where was my baby?
Where was OUR baby?
It wasn't fair.  I wanted him with US.

My husband called my mom, and texted his mom and some other family members
the text read: "2lbs 7oz"
You can just imagine how many texts came pouring back to him saying, "WHAT?! What's going on?"
My mom lived in California at the time, and she was immediatly out the door and on her way to us.
After about 10 min he asked me if I wanted him to stay with me or go to be with Corbin.
Obviously I told him to go be with our son.
He got so many photos, and I am so grateful we had just bought our Iphones with pretty good cameras on them a month before.
4 hours later, a placenta removed and a broken spirit I was wheeled up to the NICU where our baby laid in the isolate. I wanted to hold him.
Aaron's mom, grandma, my aunt, grandpa and my cousin Tammi came into the room and it was a special moment, but I just wanted them to all leave so I could hold my baby.
Once they all left the nurse asked if I wanted to hold him.
duh.

So she got him out, and ten minutes later he was in my arms.
                                and I wasn't planning on letting him go, anytime soon.

The doctor and nurses had other plans for me though.
They kept telling me I needed to go back to the room and get some sleep.
Seriously??
whatever.
That was the.hardest.night.of.our.lives.
You think the night before you get married is hard?
Yeah. Think again.
The mother in the room next to us had her family in her room, and they were all laughing and giggling with her new little baby.

and there we were.
baby not in sight.
We both cried.
I don't think my husband will admit it, but I know I heard him cry.
He held me close until I finally 'fell asleep'
he was trying to be strong.
But when he thought I had fallen asleep, I heard him...crying.
It was SO so hard.

.......Part Two: going home from the hospital with no baby.....coming tomorrow.......





1 comment:

  1. Don't worry, I am just crying my eyes out. More more more!

    ReplyDelete