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Wednesday, March 14, 2012

the preemie experience

(photo by ME)
This photo has nothing to do with this post, but I do love it.  I love what it represents.
Warm summer/spring evenings at the park with little man which equals=perfect.

Saint Patrick's Day will mark Corbin's actual year birthday.  His due date was March 17, 2011.
He was actually born on December 17, 2010.
As his actual year birthday approaches it made me start to think about his birth, and our future children.
The chance of me having another preemie does not make me shy away from being pregnant again.
It doesn't terrify me.
But I do worry.
And if I think about it too much-I really start to worry.
So I try not to.
But here I am talking about it.

Once you have a preemie, you are automatically a high risk pregnancy for the rest of your pregnancies.
awesome.
My doctor told me that I may not be as high of a risk; just because Corbin came early because I had some sort of infection.  Not because I have something that causes my babies to come early.
So I have a better chance to have a normal pregnancy still.
Which is a hopeful thought, right?
Having Corbin in the NICU was hard.
Having Corbin at home, both of us working and going to school, AND another baby in the NICU
that seems beyond hard.
This is where I have to remind myself that if Heavenly Father brings me to it, I can get through it.
Not only all that, but I don't want to see another one of our precious children go through what Corbin had to.
Hooked to tubes.
Stuck in an isolated bed almost 24/7 for three months.
fighting. fighting. fighting.

You know the show "Baby Story" on TLC?
Have you had a baby?
Well, all the images I had of giving birth is from the Baby Story show.
Family anxiously waiting in the waiting room.
Husband holding wifes hand.
Doctors and nurses with smiles on their faces.

"almost there....one more push..."

(crying..first breaths of life)

"...it's a....BOY!"

and then the baby is placed on mom's chest.
That's what I had imagined. 
And I got complete opposite.

I showed up at the ER, because I was in very uncomfortable pain.
Long story short, I was dialated to a 9 and baby was coming.
I was rushed to Labor and Delivery and had to wait for what seemed like hours before they got my doctor there and the neonatal team in the room.
The room felt cold.
I was so, just, not ready...kind of in a state of mind of "is this really happening?"
After 2 pushes Corbin was out.

but i didn't see him.
never heard him cry.
he was whisked away to the NICU.

SILENCE.

That's all I heard.
Everything around me seemed fuzzy.
Where was my baby?
Why isn't he with ME?

My husband comforted me, called a few family members, and my mom was packing her bags and out the door from California to come be with us.
I had to lay there while my placenta was removed, which by the way was WAY more painful then the actual labor part, in my opinion.
THEN...
4 hours later
I got to SEE my baby.
lying in the NICU.
He was attached to sooo many cords, I could barely see his precious little face.
It took the nurse a good ten minutes to even get him out and into my arms.
From that moment I had to ask a nurse to get my baby out so I could hold him.
This wasn't the experience Corbin deserved.
Even though he wont remember it
we do.
My husband and I do.

This next pregnancy I want to go full term.
I want that experience of shouting
"BABE GRAB THE HOSPITAL BAG!!  IT'S TIME!!"
maybe that'll happen once or twice before it's actually true
but that's okay!
I want to hear crying
I want my baby placed on my chest and have that bonding time.
I want to be able to nurse for longer than 2 weeks.
and most of all,
I want to be able to bring our baby home WITH US when we leave the hospital.




4 comments:

  1. Love the picture too. Great story, thanks for sharing! I hope this time goes the way you are hoping :) happy I found your blog!

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  2. Love this post. You totally made me cry. I know a bit of how you feel, and Luke was only 6 weeks early I cAnt imagine 12. I worry about other pregnancies too but I know with faith things will work out how they're supposed to. What a sweet boy you have! Thanks for sharing.

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  3. I still remember that day we got the call. It will forever be etched in my mind. The fear I had and the helplessness of being so far away. Love you guys so much.

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  4. May God give you the desire of your heart and restore any faith lost. Your son is blessed to have you as a momma and so will the next one be!

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